Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Oh the Horror!!!!!!

Okay, I have to take a deep breath before I tell you all this horrific story. Around this time of year, with it getting colder, small, creepy critters tend to want to come in the house. I don't like them, but I can handle mice, flies, and the occasional beetle. I can't however, handle spiders. I know, I know, they are more scared of me than I am of them. Wanna bet? I also understand that spiders help catch flies and undesirable insects. I still haven't met a insect that I hate worse than a spider.

Anyway, back to my story...... This morning I got up and put on my house coat and wondered through the house. I let Skeeter outside so she could do her business.  I turned the t.v. on just to see if the world had come to an end while I was asleep last night.  And being a little hungry, I was trying to decide what I was going to have for breakfast. I didn't want anything big and heavy, so I decided on cereal. I got my bowl, filled it with cereal, and went to get the milk out of the fridge. As I was opening the door, something caught my eye. On my shoulder was a giant field SPIDER!!!!!!

I. FREAKED. OUT. I grabbed my clothes and tore them off  like Hulk Hogan in the wrestling ring. I ran through the house into my bedroom,(why my bedroom? Have no idea.) and turned around looking at the door, panting. ( I'm actually glad that I wasn't expecting the cable guy at that time. Could you imagine the story he could have told about seeing the fat girl running through the house naked, screaming?)

Now, as I stood there, I realized I had a live spider in my house. It needed to be killed. I started looking for what I could kill it with. Fly swatter? No, to small. The spider was, after all, the size of a dog. So I look around. I spied in the corner of the room, an old tennis racket. That would work!!! I grab the racket and the fly swatter (for back up) and crept back through the house. I was on a mission. I could just hear the theme of Mission Impossible running through my head.

I spied the clothes lying on the floor. They looked so innocent. No one would know what horrors they contained.  I force myself to creep up to the clothes. I FORCED myself to take the tennis racket and move the clothes. The spider jumped out onto the top of the clothes.  Once again, I go screaming through the house, still naked.  (I'm so glad I live far enough outside of civilization I don't have to worry about people looking in my windows.) I'm back into my bedroom, facing the door, panting, again.

Okay, SFG, you have got to calm down. You are on a mission and you have to achieve victory over the monster spider! I creep back out to the kitchen. I see the spider is still on my clothes. It's just waiting on me.  Oh gosh!  Okay, okay, now what? I can't just hit it with the fly swatter. What if I miss? What if it jumps on me?  Throw a shoe at it! I frantically look around for a shoe. I see one by the door. I grab two, you know, just for back up.  I creep back towards the enemy. It's watching me, I can tell. I throw the shoe, and then the other one. I think I wounded it! I pounce! I'm beating my clothes to a pulp with the tennis racket and the fly swatter all at the same time. Die spider, die!!!!!!

I jump back, panting, and looked. In the middle of my clothes there is a small stain that was once the dreaded spider. "Take that spider!!!!!" I yell at the stain. At that time the cat rubs it's tail against my leg. I scream, run into the bedroom, turn around, and look back at the door, panting.

I think I've had enough for today. I think I'm just going to sit on the couch all day and drink hot chocolate. I can't take much more stress.

So until next time,

Small Farm Girl, spider hunter.


Hollie said...

Hilarious naked lady spider killer!! Glad everything turned out ok!!

Muffy's Marks said...

Is it wrong to laugh hysterically at another's misfortune. Well then I apologize. What a funny story, OMG. Glad you got the enemy!!

small farm girl said...

Thanks guys! I'm glad you are with me!!!!!! lol

~mel said...

Like Muffy said, is it wrong to laugh at another's misfortune? Sorry... I laughed. Then I go on to catch up on some of your other post ... and you having me laughing some more. I can just picture you in the dog house! lol... sorry ... but you started it.

Candy C. said...

ROTFLMBO!! But seriously, this soooo could have been my story a few years ago. I don't know how or why, but I'm not nearly as scared of spiders as I used to be!

The Kelly's Adventures in KY said...

You're hilarious! Thanks for the morning laugh! :) Glad you came out on top of that nasty old spider!

small farm girl said...

I'm glad you are all having a good laugh at my expense! hehehehe

Tonia said...

GREAT!!... Now I am looking over my shoulder and was pretty sure the hair that just hit my neck was a spider.. I jumped out of my chair... I am majorly and hysterically creeped out by spiders.. Always have been.. since when I was about 6 and we lived in a house with lots of spiders... **SHUDDER**

Unknown said...

This was just the laugh I needed. I don't fear spiders the way you do but all I had to do was substitute snake and BAM I was right there with you. Fantastic blog... I'll read more often.