The "C" word.

Hi everyone!  It's been a while since I've posted anything on here.  I'm trying to not feel guilty about it.  I really like writing on here, but between a budding business, a farm, and a husband, well, time just gets away from me.  There have been many things going on around here.  One of the many things is my health.

This year's resolution was to get healthy.  Not just lose weight, but to get healthy.  One of the first things was to change my doctor.  The one I used was nice and all, but he didn't really "doctor" me.  I went in and told him what was wrong with me, what I needed, and how I was going to take it.  Of course, when he would call in my medication, like my blood pressure meds, he would get it wrong EVERY TIME!!!!  That's every time twice a year for over 6 years.  I had had enough.  So I asked around to see about good doctors.  One thing that I consider good is not waiting too long to see the doctor.  Don't even get me started on time I've spent in the waiting room waiting on my old doctor.

Anyway, I found a good doctor.  A doctor that didn't have me waiting, and one that actually doctored me.  The first appointment, he had me do blood work to check that out, I had to have my first mammogram, and he wanted to get a ultrasound of my thyroid.  Plus, he wanted to have all that done before I was to see him in 3 weeks.  Oh, ya, he also wanted me to see a bone and joint dr about my knees and my back.  See, I told you I was going to get healthy this year.

Well, I done all those things one Friday morning.  All but see the bone and joint Dr.  That was going to be the following Monday.  That Friday afternoon, the nurse from my new Dr called me and told me the results of my tests.  They had found that my knees were shot, (duh)  there was "something" on my mammogram that they wanted to check out again, and they found a nodule with slight vascularity on my thyroid.   So,  I had to redo my mammogram because they wanted a better look at something, a possible ultrasound too.  Then they dropped the bomb.....  They wanted me to go to Columbus to the James Cancer Center to have my nodule on my thyroid, checked out.  What!?!?!?!?!  So what would any person do?  I checked Google.

DO. NOT. CHECK. GOOGLE!!!!  It scared me to death.  I just knew that I had thyroid cancer.   So much in fact, that I cried for days.  I felt that I was just a shell of myself.  I am a planner, I always look forward to the future.  It's hard for me to live in the moment.  So this was extremely hard for me.
I ended up having an appointment with the cancer doctor almost 2 weeks from the time I took the tests.  I was a complete mess those two weeks.  Many times I would wake up in the middle of the night not able to breath.  I just knew that that nodule was growing and shutting off my windpipe. lol.  But, what it really was was drainage from where I had been crying the day before.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of death.  I know I'll go to Heaven and see many family members that have passed.  It's just hard for me not to know what was going to happen.  This not knowing really freaked me out!!!!  We needed a new four wheel drive for me. Should I get it now? What if I die? Then Hubby would be left with the payment.  What about my shop? It was just getting to where it was starting to go good.  Would I have to give up that dream?

I joined a thyroid cancer group on Facebook.  In a way, it helped me, but in another way, it freaked me out more.  I kept reading about the "Bad Stuff".  Then I started talking to just a few people about my problem.  I realized more people had thyroid cancer than I even knew.  Most of these people come out of it doing okay.  I got to meet people who, in fact, said they came out a better person.  This gave me hope, but I would still have some bad days.

I didn't want to talk to many people about it.  When I talked about it, I found myself obsessing about it.  I didn't tell a lot of people actually.  I just didn't want the, "Oh, I'm so sorry." look.  I wanted things to be the same with people.  I didn't want to turn into the "cancer" person.

Anyway, fast forward to the doctor's visit at the James Cancer Center.  I was sooooo nervous.  I didn't want anyone to go with me other than Hubby.  I know my parents wanted to go, but I had to just focus on me.  And if it was bad news, I would worry more about how they would react than how I would react. So, I had them to stay home and I would call and let them know how things went.

Well, I went into the appointment thinking that I had cancer.  I was 98% sure that I had cancer.  I prayed and prayed. I prayed for the strength to go through this. I prayed for strength for how other people were going to react to the news.  I prayed that I would be okay going through the journey of having cancer and the changes that would come.  But, as I was on the passenger side of my truck, I realized I hadn't prayed for healing.  I just knew that it was cancer and that was that.  So right there in the truck, I prayed to be healed.  And for the first time since I got the news of the nodule, I felt that God heard me.

We arrived at the doctors and they got to get me in early.  Now when have you ever heard of a doctor getting you in early?  They did.  A half hour early to be exact.  All of the nurses were extremely nice.  And then I got to meet the doctor.  He was very nice and I could just tell he knew what he was doing.  He told me that we needed an ultrasound for his own and then he would do a needle biopsy.   As he was looking at the nodule, he said that the color was good, the shape of the nodule was good, the size wasn't TOO big, and all my lymph nodes were all fine.  He actually didn't think it was cancer, but just because of the size of the nodule, he was going to do a fine needle biopsy.

Wait, WHAT?  He didn't think it was cancer.  HE DIDN'T THINK IT WAS CANCER!  HE! DIDN'T! THINK! IT! WAS! CANCER!!!!!!!!!    Pull it together Sherri, don't start crying now.  You are going to have a big needle sticking in your neck.  lol.

He did the fine needle biopsy.  I can say, it wasn't fun, but I wanted this done. I wanted to KNOW that this wasn't cancer.  He sent off the biopsy and now I am in the wait mode.  He said it will take a few days for the results to come back.   I can say I'm a little nervous, but I've decided I can't do to myself like I have been doing.  I was making myself sick thinking all bad stuff.  I'm living day to day.  And, whatever the results are that come back, I have got to keep a positive outlook and NOT obsess about it.  I've got to keep my hopes up.  If I lose hope, all is gone. I'm not going down into the pit of dispare again.

So I would really use some prayers out there that the results are good.  I believe the more people pray, the better off everything is.  I know that God has me in his hands and whatever comes of this is for his glory.  And, I'm okay with that.

So until next time,

Small Farm Girl, hopeful.