Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Embarrassment

I wasn't sure if I should write this story but the people I told it to say I just HAD to write it.  It's extremely embarrassing to me,but at the same time, extremely funny.  I just want to warn you though, if you have any aversion to stories about body functions, do not read this.  I repeat...DO NOT READ THIS!  You have been warned.

We have been hit with a massive snow storm here in KY.  We ended up getting around 18 inches of snow.  Now if you don't really know how deep 18 inches are, just imagine on ME that's just a little over knee high snow.  That's a lot of snow!  Nothing was moving for a while.  No cars could go anywhere because they kept bottoming out in the deep snow.

Anyways, my parents had to go up to my sisters house in Ohio before the storm hit.  My niece was sick and in the hospital. (She's better now. YAY!)  While they were up there Hubby and I were to feed their dogs.  That normally was no big deal, but when you have 18 inches of snow, it's kinda hard to go up half a mile of driveway with a steep switchback in the middle of it.  We figured we could do it though.

We started out okay at the beginning.  We were pushing snow with our small SUV.  The snow was so deep it was coming up over the hood and hitting the windshield.  We made it up to the switch back in the road and then we got stuck. We couldn't make it up the hill.  We slid and bottomed out.  We were stuck.  I told Hubby that we were gonna have to hoof it to the top of the hill.  Not fun when you are doing this in really deep snow.  Luckily we had on our tall Muck boots. (Worth every penny we spent on them.)  We started to walk the hill when all of a sudden, I had an extreme urge to pee.  I mean, gonna explode pee.  We had just eaten at a Mexican restaurant before we went to feed the dogs. It was the first time we had been out for a while, might as well enjoy it.  Anyway, I had a lot of water to drink and I guess I should have went to the bathroom before I left the restaurant.

So, I tell Hubby to go on up without me. I would be up in a minute.  I go back to the car and look for napkins.  Ladies, you understand me when I say napkins in the glove box of a car are essential. There was 2.  That's it.  Only 2 small, tiny tissues.  Well, they would just have to work.

Then all of a sudden, I had this feeling. The feeling deep down in your bowls of rumbling.  The feeling that if at any moment you would have to sneeze, you had better be on a toilet.  Great....... The Mexican restaurant had given me food poisoning, and all I had was 2 tinky, tiny, napkins........

Well, if you are a homesteader, I'm sure you have used the bathroom outside. I've never done it though, in snow that was almost up to my hiney.  So as I'm squatting to pee, the food poisoning hits me again.  BAM!  No control......  Great.  In my mind though I thought,"I can handle this. No one will know.  I've went in outhouses before, what's the difference? Right?"  Girls, I don't know if you have ever tried to wipe standing up.....  Sure no problem when your setting down, but standing in thigh high snow is another story.  I swear I was doing some yoga moves that they hadn't even invented yet. And all this time trying not to plant it into the deep snow.

Anyway, once I was "done,"  I threw some snow over the evidence and tried to keep it from being so conspicuous.  I didn't want anyone to know what I had done.  I wondered what I could do with my 2 tiny napkins?  "I got it! I would just throw them in the small creek on the other side of the car. They were biodegradable."

I trekked around to the other side of the car and threw them in the swiftly running creek and as I was coming back around to where I had done the deed, I glanced up into the trees and noticed a CAMERA!!!!!!  My dad had his field camera mounted on a tree, aimed in my direction.  AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!   The whole thing was caught on camera!!!!!!!! I'm gonna die!!!!!!!!  You might as well kill me now!

I finally made it up to my parents house and instantly called my mom. Of course while I'm telling her this, she's laughing so hard she can't breath so she puts me on speaker phone for alllllllll the people around her to hear.  Gotta love your parent's since of humor.  I'm begging her to get the camera and delete the pictures before Dad sees them.  There are just some things that you don't want your dad to see after a certain age, and me pooping in the woods is one of them.

So the moral of the story is, don't just assume that you are alone in the woods.  Someone is ALWAYS watching......

So until next time,

Small Farm Girl, shameless

P.s.  You would think the old question of "Does the bear poop in the woods?" would have already been solved......

P.s.s.  The batteries were dead in the camera.  Hallelujah!

P.s.s.s.  Now I think you all know WAY too much about me.

6 comments:

Carolyn said...

Sorry, but that is HILL-arious!!!
Good sport, you are though :)

Sandy said...

SFG,

Now that's funny!

Anonymous said...

That's just so funny!!!!

Betty

Becca said...

Oh dear! Hope you're feeling better by now, of course. But it is pretty funny.

Anonymous said...

Someone is always watching just everywhere anymore!

Vera said...

This was sooooo funny, and reminds me of a time when I was on the M25 (the notorious ring road around London which is always full of traffic). We had had a family get together and were on our way home. No Mexican food though, but something got me going and I had to go NOW. Fortunately we were in our camper van which had a porta potty. I just about made it to the potty, and almost filled it up, such was the need to 'go'. Trouble was that the traffic was all stopped around me due to an accident ahead. The M25 has four lanes, all of which had cars in which were not going to go anywhere for a while. I hadn't had time to close the curtains of the camper van. I shall say no more! But trying to clean up while on all fours was not easy!