Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Oh the Horror!!!!!!

Okay, I have to take a deep breath before I tell you all this horrific story. Around this time of year, with it getting colder, small, creepy critters tend to want to come in the house. I don't like them, but I can handle mice, flies, and the occasional beetle. I can't however, handle spiders. I know, I know, they are more scared of me than I am of them. Wanna bet? I also understand that spiders help catch flies and undesirable insects. I still haven't met a insect that I hate worse than a spider.

Anyway, back to my story...... This morning I got up and put on my house coat and wondered through the house. I let Skeeter outside so she could do her business.  I turned the t.v. on just to see if the world had come to an end while I was asleep last night.  And being a little hungry, I was trying to decide what I was going to have for breakfast. I didn't want anything big and heavy, so I decided on cereal. I got my bowl, filled it with cereal, and went to get the milk out of the fridge. As I was opening the door, something caught my eye. On my shoulder was a giant field SPIDER!!!!!!

I. FREAKED. OUT. I grabbed my clothes and tore them off  like Hulk Hogan in the wrestling ring. I ran through the house into my bedroom,(why my bedroom? Have no idea.) and turned around looking at the door, panting. ( I'm actually glad that I wasn't expecting the cable guy at that time. Could you imagine the story he could have told about seeing the fat girl running through the house naked, screaming?)

Now, as I stood there, I realized I had a live spider in my house. It needed to be killed. I started looking for what I could kill it with. Fly swatter? No, to small. The spider was, after all, the size of a dog. So I look around. I spied in the corner of the room, an old tennis racket. That would work!!! I grab the racket and the fly swatter (for back up) and crept back through the house. I was on a mission. I could just hear the theme of Mission Impossible running through my head.

I spied the clothes lying on the floor. They looked so innocent. No one would know what horrors they contained.  I force myself to creep up to the clothes. I FORCED myself to take the tennis racket and move the clothes. The spider jumped out onto the top of the clothes.  Once again, I go screaming through the house, still naked.  (I'm so glad I live far enough outside of civilization I don't have to worry about people looking in my windows.) I'm back into my bedroom, facing the door, panting, again.

Okay, SFG, you have got to calm down. You are on a mission and you have to achieve victory over the monster spider! I creep back out to the kitchen. I see the spider is still on my clothes. It's just waiting on me.  Oh gosh!  Okay, okay, now what? I can't just hit it with the fly swatter. What if I miss? What if it jumps on me?  Throw a shoe at it! I frantically look around for a shoe. I see one by the door. I grab two, you know, just for back up.  I creep back towards the enemy. It's watching me, I can tell. I throw the shoe, and then the other one. I think I wounded it! I pounce! I'm beating my clothes to a pulp with the tennis racket and the fly swatter all at the same time. Die spider, die!!!!!!

I jump back, panting, and looked. In the middle of my clothes there is a small stain that was once the dreaded spider. "Take that spider!!!!!" I yell at the stain. At that time the cat rubs it's tail against my leg. I scream, run into the bedroom, turn around, and look back at the door, panting.

I think I've had enough for today. I think I'm just going to sit on the couch all day and drink hot chocolate. I can't take much more stress.

So until next time,

Small Farm Girl, spider hunter.

9 comments:

Hollie said...

Hilarious naked lady spider killer!! Glad everything turned out ok!!

Muffy's Marks said...

Is it wrong to laugh hysterically at another's misfortune. Well then I apologize. What a funny story, OMG. Glad you got the enemy!!

small farm girl said...

Thanks guys! I'm glad you are with me!!!!!! lol

~mel said...

Like Muffy said, is it wrong to laugh at another's misfortune? Sorry... I laughed. Then I go on to catch up on some of your other post ... and you having me laughing some more. I can just picture you in the dog house! lol... sorry ... but you started it.

Candy C. said...

ROTFLMBO!! But seriously, this soooo could have been my story a few years ago. I don't know how or why, but I'm not nearly as scared of spiders as I used to be!

The Kelly's Adventures in KY said...

You're hilarious! Thanks for the morning laugh! :) Glad you came out on top of that nasty old spider!

small farm girl said...

I'm glad you are all having a good laugh at my expense! hehehehe

*~*~*~*~Tonia said...

GREAT!!... Now I am looking over my shoulder and was pretty sure the hair that just hit my neck was a spider.. I jumped out of my chair... I am majorly and hysterically creeped out by spiders.. Always have been.. since when I was about 6 and we lived in a house with lots of spiders... **SHUDDER**

Wayne Jones said...

This was just the laugh I needed. I don't fear spiders the way you do but all I had to do was substitute snake and BAM I was right there with you. Fantastic blog... I'll read more often.